Being Charlie Wyatt

A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not.

2009-02-12T04:16:37Z

I need change.

I feel worthless, drifting between each paycheck with not much more to look forward to than the next quick fix.
And by fix, I don't mean drugs.

A fix like ... something that makes me feel truly happy to be where I am, doing what I'm doing.

I wasted around $600 on Online classes that I only applied myself to for one day, and now am almost three weeks behind. That's inexcusable, but in part I can't help it.
Part of me wonders if I have ADD, seriously. Or perhaps I just don't care enough, and procrastinate more than I apply myself.
In fact, that's more likely the case.

Maybe I'm afraid to grow up. To give into the ever-popular trend of going to college, getting a 9-5 job and forever relinquishing my fairy-tale delusions of grandeur.

The truth of the matter is: I have no idea what I want to do.

Sure, the possibilities are endless. I could be anything.
But how am I supposed to know?

I've never been satisfied with doing anything for very long.
Working McDonald's was hell. Working at my parent's store, even more so.

Thinking back now, I really loved working at Medieval Times.
I don't know if it was because I was loved by most of my co-workers, or if there was some serious job-satisfaction out of it. But for some reason the shitty pay didn't matter all that much at the end of the day.
The only thing that made me quit was problems with a member of upper-management, who no longer works there. A disagreement and potential demotion made me leave, though I wasn't very happy to do so.
Part of me really wishes I was still there.
But there's no sense of job security and an ex still works there. That'd certainly be a problem.

Right now I'm considering applying for a Medical Coding job.
While there's some seriously good money there with little/no schooling required, I really doubt I'll be happy. I'm nervous my life will turn into not-so-funny version of Office Space that I won't be able to recover from.

I've got a lot on my mind right now, and I can't seem to really get it all into words, without trailing off on some random tangent.
Perhaps time will mold my collection of thoughts into something one can actually comprehend.

out of nowhere

2008-08-12T07:41:35Z

Somehow I've ended up falling for her.
Cindy, a friend's ex who I've been hanging out with [through mutual friends and parties] for months now, came out and told me she had feelings for me.
I had no idea. I really didn't see it coming at all.
Initially I didn't want to try, being as friends would likely (and did) get upset.
But after thinking more on it and actually spending some alone time with her, I found the feelings were there all along.

You see, I never allowed myself to feel anything for Cindy beyond friendship. She was practically a sister to me, and I never made a single advance on her.
I thought she was out of my league.
She's gorgeous, funny, smart, and possibly one of the kindest people I've met.

So why me?

She could've had anyone, but I stuck out for some reason.
Maybe it's just because I look weird. LoL.

I'm hoping we can make this work, and make it last.
I always fuck up my relationships somehow, and I think this might be my last attempt at something serious.
If this blows up in my face, then I just don't know what I'll do.
Maybe I'll join the military. Or become a monk.
Then again, with only four years until 12-21-2012 (see also: the end of the world), I've really nothing to worry about.

fone

2008-07-29T23:24:49Z

The creepiest thing I've most recently experienced was definitely a customer-survey call from GameStop.

The machine "asking" me questions sounded like a bad cartoon's voice actor for a six-year-old girl.

Unbearable.

When asked if I would recommend the store, to which I replied yes, she said "Great!" and I nearly dropped my phone.
Imagine a female Chucky doll, doing phone surveys.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.

chazzzzz @ 2008-06-16T10:16:00

2008-06-16T14:47:32Z

I'm walking in a subway by myself.
I have no destination. I must be just wandering aimlessly.
I get a message on my phone. It's from a girl I've spoken to maybe twice on MySpace.
I don't know her name, only her profile name: "Oisseau."
She asked that I make my way to her place to hang out, to which I replied "Sure. On my way."

I made my way up the stairs out of the subway and ended up surrounded by a dense forest, with only a couple of concrete buildings clearing the foilage.
For some reason I began to sneak around, as if trying to infiltrate a military base or something.
For a forest the area was fairly populated, with maybe a handful of people walking past the buildings every few minutes.
I made my way to the farthest building and entered, making my way to an elevator.

In this elevator I encountered someone I knew. Someone I knew very well, in fact.
It was Megan, an ex-girlfriend. She was standing in the corner with her arms folded, seemingly pouting until our gazes met.
At that point she smiled and pushed me against the wall, kissing me aggressively.
I could only react with shock, as the last time we spoke things were less than peaceful ... and here she was playing tonsil hockey with me.

The elevator came to a halt at a top floor, but the hallway we stepped into seemed to be the hallway of a townhouse. Doors were open. Bedrooms, bathrooms open to the public.
She dragged me into one of the rooms and shut the door behind us, and began removing her clothes.
Suddenly the room got dark and I heard a noise from the other end of the room ... which strangely had a small hallway connecting to another room, but lacked doors.
Another girl who I've never seen walked into the dark room, and simply asked "Do you guys have protection?" to which we responded "No."
She threw a condom at us and left the room.

When I look back at Megan she's wearing this look of disappointment or disgust, I couldn't tell what.
She pulled the blankets up over our heads angrily and I immediately "wake up" on the floor, on a futon-like mattress.
She's nowhere to be seen and it's daylight again.

I head down the elevator and find myself stepping out onto a stage in an auditorium.
To my left I see my friend Dave sitting facing the audience, playing a video game on a small tv.
"Dude, come join in" he says, waving me over.
I make my way to him and sit down and pick up a controller and play some.

I walk away from it when the audience begins to start chatting, and make my way into the elevator.
This time the girl who offered "protection" is there, and attempts to block me from getting on.
I thrusted my hand in between the closing doors and she begins to glare at me.
"Look, I just wanna talk to her" I say to her, and she glances over at another guy standing in the corner of the elevator with a look saying "it's up to you."
The guy shrugs, but keeps his eyes on me like a hawk.
I step onto the elveator and make my way to the same bedroom.

I open the door and there's a white flash of light.
"I'm sorry" Megan says.

And I wake up.

two dreams, one night. part two.

2008-06-05T11:58:17Z

Dream two.
It's dark outside, with the exception of traces of sun on the horizon. The sky is a dark gray, but everything is visible without the need to strain the eye.
I'm walking along a pier with my friend Farmer. The water doesn't make a sound. In fact, I don't recall even seeing a wave.
This pier is nearly water-level, possibly extending only an inch above it. It feels like walking on water.
Farmer and I converse about our troubles with women, and how chances of finding the right girl is slim-to-none.

I remember specifically trying to give him tips, or lines to use, which he rejected.
"Do you know who you're talkin to, Chuck? I'm Chris Farmer. Your lines won't help." He says it with a sense of desperation and defeat.
It seems nothing can help at this point.

We continue walking along the pier and we reach the shore. There are crates all around; some metal, some wooden. On one sits a laptop with a simple log-in screen.

"Yo I wish Tim Trees was here right now, I'd tell him about this idea I've been thinkin on for a minute." He says, making his way to the computer with some sort of plan.
At that moment, Tim arrives almost entirely unnoticed. He is quiet, very unlike his normal self.

Farmer tries to log in, but forgets his password multiple times. Then I realize it's because his log-in name is unchanged from ".·´.··» ¤ŠãÑ|)|2á¤«··.`·.", a user name my friend Sandra has as her MySpace name. He quickly changes it, loads up a web browser, and displays a picture of Optimus Prime, from the Transformers movie.

"I think I'm gonna color this whole side of him black, and then here, on his shoulder pads, color him brown. I'll call him Rusty." He says this with pride, and a tone of satisfaction.

"Farmer, you're fucking stupid." I say.

And I wake up.

two dreams, one night. part one.

2008-06-05T11:27:32Z

Dream one.
I am in an apartment of some sort. Reminds me of those shoddy one-rooms people rent when they first move into New York, because it's the only thing they can afford. In the movies.
I'm with a girl, but I don't remember who she is. Part of me thinks she is, in fact, my mother. But I think I recall the conversation being the type I wouldn't have with her.
We walk outside and get into a nondescript car. 'She' gets in back, I am driver.
A man walks up to my window and knocks. I roll it down with the push of a button.
"Ey mista, you tryin ta help a guy out by givin me a ride?" he asks with a heavy New York accent. I recognize his face instantly.

He's the carjacker from "Spiderman." But he has no intentions of carjacking me.
His intentions seem pure, so I allow him to ride shotgun.

I drive for about five minutes, somehow knowing where he wants to go without even asking.

I blink.

He is now driving, and I'm riding shotgun. It's dark and stormy out, and I begin to recognize where we are.
It's Baltimore. But not just any part of Baltimore.
He gradually comes to a halt, right in front of my grandfather's house.

"Dammit!" he yells, slamming on the steering wheel and blaring the horn.

And I wake up.

losing it.

2008-06-03T07:29:13Z

There are three things I hate about myself most.
How lazy I am, how much I procrastinate (as a result of my laziness), and my relationships with girls.

I keep expecting something good to just "happen" to me
where I'll just magically find a better job
or a pile of money.

It's not going to happen
it just won't.

I'm too lazy to go out and really look, so I apply online.
I'll be damned if any place has ever called me back from an online interview.

As far as girls go, I've realized my pattern.
I befriend, I take things to the next level, and then some form of blow-up occurs in which I vow to want nothing to do with them.
It's really rare for me to keep a female friend.
Odds are: if I talk to you regularly, I'm at least considering you as date-able.

And it's not like it's a planned thing. That's just how it keeps happening. Four times now in the past three years.
I hate it.
I wish I just had a girl I could stay friends with.

Someone to go drinking over friend's houses with me.
Someone to play XBox with me.
Someone to argue with me over little things.
Someone who I'll be able to trust.
Someone whose shoulder I can cry on.
Someone that'll smack me into reality and help keep me on track.

Fuck. That sounds like a girlfriend's to-do list.
Could a girl_friend actually do all those things without overstepping the boundaries?

gurlz

2008-03-03T16:37:53Z

I wrote this is my Xanga, which I just checked for the first time in like a year and a half ... and because I'm lazy I just copy + pasted it in here, as I felt it was a decent journal entry.

"Are you fucking shitting me?

It's been over a year since I've done anything with this site?

Well okay, I can understand why. MySpace. Facebook. Having a social life.
Shit happens.

It's funny how things turn out.
At the time of the last couple entries, I've been dating a different girl for each.

My big relationships, too. The heartbreakers.
That's not happening anymore, though - I promise.

While I'll fall in love, I'll never lose myself in a relationship like I have before.
Amanda was my life. She fucked it up.
Megan was my life. She fucked me up royally.

Both relationships have ended in bitter, horrible fights and an overwhelming desire to commit suicide.
And I'm really not kidding. I had a bottle of pills I was ready to swallow after Megan and I's final words.

So I'm going to learn from my mistakes and guard myself.
I'll give away the key to my heart, but this time I'm keeping a spare.
If something happens and I end up single again, fuck it. Life goes on.

Brittany is awesome.
She's cute, funny, dorky, and makes me feel like I really matter.
Just meeting her has changed me in so many ways.

She's the first girl I've ever initiated conversation with, and not been the slightest bit shy around.
Seriously - she has yet to see my shyness at all in the past three months we've known eachother (and two months of dating).
There's really no pressure with her, and she doesn't want to change me at all.

I love her, and I hope these feelings last."

gurrfrenn

2007-12-23T06:14:02Z

So I've managed to snag a girly right before Christmas.
She's cute, smart, and I'm totally comfortable around her.
She brags about me to her friends, and we give eachother butterflies all the time.

It's great.
Life's pretty great.

For the moment, at least.

tomorrow turns into next christmas

2007-12-20T02:29:53Z

Wow.
If it weren't for a certain someone commenting me, I would've let this page just rot.

But maybe I'll mess around with it this year.

Startup

2006-06-27T07:40:13Z

First entry ... and nothing to say.

I'll think of something tomorrow.